Ignominious Experiences:

I've been meaning to write a diary about my health lately. My battle with body dysphoria, mindset, habits and ED, which had started during COVID quarantine began and it had gotten worse overtime, however I did start to heal only ended two years ago because I had developed a willingness to want change for myself rather than slouch around and become more morbidly obese.

One of the main causes of this shift within myself was the end of a very long-distance relationship that took half of my adolescent years and was meant to help me discover who I am. However, I don't fully blame my old partner as it's fully my own conscious that I spent a portion of my teenage life to them than having to find myself instead of rather than being a wagging mutt considering they have their own battles to face, but partially to be frank I still hold resentment to them for who they are a person. I don’t even know what I could call our relationship: Romantic, platonic, or perhaps casualty of two individuals who had too much mental baggage in the world, even so they made me hate a lot of things whether that be roleplaying, drawing, writing, and all the things he had seemed to adore whether that be out of pettiness or anger, but if you asked me, it be both.

The reason I probably resent them is because I felt that my time, energy, and love was nothing but the bare minimum to them, days and events that I could have had enjoyed with my friends and family wasted on the person who’d make will make me cry after the end of the day and having to explain to my friends and family why I cried leading me to lie over and over again, and arts and gifts that i give that they felt suffocated on receiving instead of feeling appreciated by them. Sleepless nights I found myself being awake just because their time zone was 4 hours later than mine. Maybe it was because I was so dependent on them, perhaps maybe obsessed, that I felt like doing so much.

Only to find out the only reason they genuinely had the patience with me is because they wanted to keep me close, they didn’t even think of my feelings as anything but romantic. Truly I wouldn’t have minded if they just were just honest about their identity. However now I have moved on though I still have that habit of stalking them not because I love them, miss them, or have any attachment of sentimental emotions that’s still connected to them, it's just a very muscle memory thing to do. Which I am changing because I couldn’t care less and if they ever see this post:

“Hi! I just want to say I am in fact trying not to stalk you so if you're ever wondering if I do stalk you.
Yeah, I do not because I want my brain to program to do so but I'm trying to stop so don’t worry mate.”

My Pride Is More Important Now Than Self - Preservation.

 After I left that horrid relationship, I actually had finally looked at the mirrors and pictures. I always refuse to stare knowing I looked mentally deranged, which I was. I looked like I didn't take showers, brush my teeth, slept properly, ate anything healthy, my posture alone was as horrible as anything else, and body odor smelt so bad which led to many of my peers and individuals distancing myself from me, and especially didn't look like I loved myself. That’s the most painful part with all of it. It all wasn’t a big help when I had checked my weight which was 211 lbs. I was obese and it made me sick of my body and myself. Anyone would be if they were in my shoes.

It was definitely a slap to reality that I needed help. Because how I'm living is clearly not healthy anymore. No kidding, during early 2025 I probably had the obsession on fasting, or one-meal-a-day. I barely ate anything other than just scrambled eggs and an absolutely small portion of rice, which led me to lose around 37 lbs. Making me about 174 lbs. Though nowadays I do find myself binged eating which is such a hassle making me stop to just that weight, which is really annoying. It has made me develop a very awful love-hate relationship with eating in general.

I would have an awful tendency of we're I would hate myself after eating a meal whether it be a small or big portions, Even now I still feel stuck in that cycle of self-hatred, I really would just hate myself after eating a meal whether it be a small or big portions, I really do still feel stuck into the cycle of self-hatred however it had lessen now compared back then, I am truly aware it is a very toxic habit that someone could have which is often if not the reason I often hesitate on joining hangouts revolving around food, the only time I actually do join is when my moronic self wants to hang out with friends but the only way to do that is offering to hangout in some cafe, restaurants, or, street foods. Because none related food would always often if not end with a rejection with them. Which is alright. Though you know what's not alright, the people in your life having to criticize you, as if you already don't know that. Your fat, ugly. and having to be some kind of pig wasting your parent's money with absolute garbage, it's also one of the biggest in fact why I don't bother going out, yes. I'm insecure and people's word bothers me, as much as other people say I shouldn't feel affected but unfortunately, I am very affected. Which had decreased my confidence to even go out my room and interact with new people during that time. I remember during one of the times, were after eating with friends or family, I'd immediately excuse myself to the washroom, only for me to be knelt down in the toilet trying to gag out the food I ate, while creep by Radiohead. Play in the background so it reduces what sound I might make, so the people who might pass by won't question the sound that they might make and I would do it on every occasion at some point I had stopped because it felt so painful within my throat and the taste after I vomit. It is terrible so awful. I knew I had to stop, which I luckily did. Though for now I will still find ways on healing and my relationship with food knowing it's not the healthiest.

Thank you, dear reader, that's all for now for today!